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April 29, 2019

Bitter Pills

I just slept in my tiny folded futon for 25 hours because it hurt not to. And I didn't pour the pills down my mouth to avoid depression, pain and sleep till about 20 minutes ago. Maybe because needing pills feels preposterous (and risky because the government could take them away at anytime) and maybe because I was happier dreaming.

But sleep hit the 25 hour mark because I held off. With society providing but preaching against, I wanted to prove that I'm bigger than pills. And I am; their combined mass is two handfuls and I have small hands.

Sleep wasn't all that good though, because I alternated between sweating and chills for most of it. I tried to get up 12 hours in. But my suddenly acquired arthritis was in effect and my legs were too stiff and hurt too much to move, I tried.

13 hours later that had righted itself so I woke up, but with some weird bruises. I had responsibly, during a few moments of consciousness, checked that Harley had sufficient food and water. And I observed that he had brought his favorite toys up on the bed with us. I have 2 of his favorite toy, as backup, and he brought both. He exhibits lots more will to live than I do.


Though I'd definitely bummed him by not taking him outside for 25+ hours. He has a peepad, I'm not callous, and little stairs to get on and off the bed. But he went optimistically to the door when I finally got up and was available for my 3.5 lb dog to speak with again. But it was already dark out and outside wouldn't have been that good. It never is.

I'm able to with serious expenditure of will control my immediate environment, my apartment. It's very immediate at 250 square feet. But I can't improve outside.

The air, which breaks in, is filtered through my chain-smoking neighbor. And my building’s walls are streaked by dirtnadoes that come from across the street, the 405 Freeway. Grass is 15 minutes to walk to, unless I invade the Veteran Administrations grounds, which I do. I saw a coyote there once and tried to catch up with him but failed, which is probably just as well for my little dog.

Anyway, outside isn't a lot more alluring than my dreams.

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